Space Twilight
by but i'm a zombie
Summary: A set of stories set in the future when everyone lives in space and has gone a bit insane. Bella and Edward frolic and angst, Aro drinks his children, Carlisle performs unnecessary surgeries, Emmett misses his lightsaber, and Jasper loves a space cow.
1. Meadow

Bella and Edward were frolicking in a holographic simulation of their favorite meadow.

"Oh, Edward!" frolicked Bella.

"Oh, Bella!" frolicked Edward.

"I love you!" frolicked Bella.

"I love you!" frolicked Edward. Then he needed to stop for an angst break.

"Why did you let me let you let me make you let me let you make me let you make me make you make me _do_ this to you?" he whined, turning away from Bella and covering his face with his hands.

"...What?" said Bella, confused.

"I TOOK AWAY YOUR SOUL!" angsted Edward.

"Oh, that. It's OK!" said Bella, surreptitiously murdering some small children who had accidentally wandered into the holodeck thinking it was the bathroom. She didn't want Edward to see them or they'd remind him of all the siblings their daughter could have had if her parents were human and then he'd start angsting about that too. "I never used the silly thing anyway!" She managed to throw the last child out of the airlock just before Edward turned to look at her again.

"Oh, Bella, you're so perfect," he gushed sickeningly, "You always know just what to say."

And they went back to frolicking.


	2. Children

Meanwhile, on the planet Space Italy, Aro was getting thirsty so he decided to go to the nursery and devour some of his children.

The nursery was a large building far enough away from the castle that the Volturi would not be disturbed by the screams of the human women who stayed there for the short period of time between being impregnated by Aro and being torn apart as their infant sons and daughters escaped their fleshy prisons. All of Aro's offspring would live their whole lives there until he came and took them away "so they could be sent to space pirate school" or some other ridiculous lie that the children were somehow stupid enough to believe.

Half-vampires didn't smell as edible as humans but in Aro's opinion their blood tasted much better and as a bonus it turned his eyes a lovely periwinkle blue color for some reason. He also found them more fun to kill since they were stronger and faster and generally better at fighting back, and they would be useful for blocking Alice's visions if Aro ever got around to deciding what he was going to do about the Cullens.

When Aro got to the nursery he noticed that something was wrong. The children were playing and having fun instead of screaming and crying like they usually did when Jane was watching them, as she was today, and several of the pregnant women were attempting to escape. None had succeeded, of course, but two had tried to swim the moat not realizing it was full of lava instead of water so they and the delicious fetuses growing inside them had died.

Aro eventually found Jane lying on the floor of the baby girls' dormitory and writhing in pain while one of Aro's baby daughters watched and laughed. Curious, he picked up the baby and touched her hand.

Jane got up and sneaked away to practice making out with her brother.

As the baby's thoughts flowed into Aro's mind he saw that she had the ability to copy other people's special abilities and had been using Jane's to torture her. Now the baby had Aro's own ability and he watched with interest as her weak baby mind was crushed and obliterated by the weight of all his memories and replaced with a second copy of Aro himself.

"Oh, fucklestuck!" exclaimed the second copy of Aro, staring at his little baby girl body in horror at being trapped in a little baby girl body again.

Giggling, the original Aro dressed the new Aro in a cute pink dress while the new Aro struggled ineffectually and screamed profanities. Aro decided that the new Aro would be called Aro II and he would be Aro's sidekick forever until Aro got bored of him and drank his blood.


	3. Intervention

Carlisle had noticed he wasn't getting many chances to be a doctor now that there were robots so he decided to start performing unnecessary surgeries on Renesmee and the wolves while they slept.

Everyone was willing to tolerate this at first because he started with surgeries they didn't mind so much, like appendectomies, and they felt sorry for him. But when Leah woke up with a penis on her forehead they finally decided he needed to be stopped.

Esme took Carlisle out in the woods to hunt while everyone else gathered in the living room to throw him an intervention. Alice insisted that there be cake and pretty decorations, and a clown showed up uninvited, so it kind of ended up seeming more like a party than an intervention.

"INTERVENTION!" shouted everyone except Carlisle at Carlisle when he and Esme returned.

"Carlisle, we all love you but these surgeries really need to stop," said Esme, putting her arm around her husband and wishing they were having sex instead of this stupid intervention.

"Surgeries? What surgeries?" Carlisle pretended to be confused. "I haven't performed any surgeries since Nessie's abortion last year."

"You know exactly which surgeries we mean, Carlisle," said Edward, reading Carlisle's mind to make sure he really did.

"Oh, _those_ surgeries," said Carlisle. "Yes, those were all completely necessary. People would have died without them."

"Seth and I would've died if you hadn't switched our nipples?" asked Jacob skeptically.

"Yes!" insisted Carlisle. Everyone stared at him. "OK, no, but I would have been bored."

The clown chose this moment to start making balloon animals.

"Do you honestly see nothing wrong with what you've been doing?" Jasper asked Carlisle over the annoying squeaking noise the clown's balloons were making, "Look at Leah's _forehead_!"

"Actually, I think I like it," Leah admitted but everyone ignored her and she went back to eating cake.

"I honestly see nothing wrong with modifying people as long as I can put them back the way they were if they're not happy with my improvements," Carlisle answered Jasper.

"But poor Leah has to go around looking like _that _until you get around to fixing it!" said Bella.

"No, I definitely do like my penis," decided Leah, "I'm going to go around looking like this forever."

"Anyway, Carlisle, if you perform any more unwanted and unneeded surgeries I will never have sex with you _ever again_," proclaimed Esme. She hoped he wouldn't call her bluff. She really did love sex.

The clown offered Jasper a balloon in the shape of a black hole. Jasper managed to pop it before anyone fell in, then he threw the clown out the window.

"Can't I at least remove Leah's penis?" pleaded Carlisle, stirred by Esme's willingness to make such a serious threat even though she obviously wouldn't actually go through with it.

"No!" squealed Leah, covering the penis with her hands protectively, "It makes me look like a unicorn!"

Carlisle reluctantly agreed to leave everyone as they were and stormed off to play with his pet robot snake Aesculapius, who hated him.


	4. Lightsaber

Emmett and Rosalie were on vacation on Space Antarctica to hunt penguins and polar bears, which coexisted in Space Antarctica because Space Antarctica was not a perfect replica of Earth Antarctica. They were staying in a beautiful ice hotel shaped like a giant duck.

Emmett's best lightsaber, the one with the infinite ultraviolet blade, was missing.

This was unacceptable.

Emmett picked up his railgun and some of his special projectiles (which were made of antimatter and his own skin) and walked out of their room to fuck shit up.

"Hello, Emmett!" said another hotel guest, waving cheerfully as Emmett passed him in the hallway.

"Where's my LIGHTSABER you FUCKING BITCH?" Emmett inquired politely. The man failed to answer this question because Emmett had exploded him in the face.

"GRAAAAAAH!" went Emmett, tearing the rest of the corpse to pieces in anguish.

He rampaged through the hotel, smashing up the ice walls and stabbing children in the eyes with shards of them. He broke people's heads with other people's heads and he set things on fire with the sheer magnitude of the anger and sadness he was feeling about his loss. He drank all the blood from an old man's dog while the old man watched and cried because that dog was all he had left in the world since his wife died, and then Emmett took the bones out of the old man's arms and legs and sharpened them with his teeth so he could impale people on them.

When he noticed that he still didn't have his lightsaber back he blew up the hotel and moved on to the rest of Space Antarctica, ripping and tearing and shooting and burning and exploding all of the people and animals and buildings. When he was finished only he and Rosalie were left alive.

Rosalie was staring at Emmett like Emmett was insane.

"My best lightsaber is missing," he explained.

"The one with the infinite ultraviolet blade?" Rosalie asked.

Emmett nodded.

"You traded it to a human for beer, Emmett," facepalmed Rosalie.

"Oh, really? Which human?"

"The former owner of that hand." Rosalie pointed at a severed hand that was holding Emmett's best lightsaber.

And all was well with the universe.


	5. Stabby

There was a beautiful new student at Space Forks High School. Her name was Stabberlee Cesia Johnson but everyone called her Stabby.

She was a double half-vampire, since her father was a vampire and her mother was also a vampire due to having been turned into a vampire before Stabby was born. Being a double half-vampire meant she was much like a normal vampire but infinitely more beautiful and also infinitely more delicious if anyone ate her which they don't.

On the day Stabby arrived all the Cullens were at Space Forks High School, including Carlisle and Esme because robots took Carlisle's job. It was a sunny day but that didn't matter because it was the future and humans just assumed vampires were aliens when they sparkled.

Everyone loved Stabby and wanted to be her friend because she was so beautiful and delicious-smelling except for Edward and Bella who had no room in their minds for anything but each other. Their love for each other and lack of love for Stabby angered Stabby and she decided to do something about it.

She got her chance after school, when Bella stayed behind to suck up to a teacher while Edward waited by his Space Volvo. Stabby jumped out of a closet at Bella and pulled her to pieces. She carefully cut off Bella's face with one of Bella's teeth and put it on over her own face before stashing the rest of Bella in a locker. Then she ran outside to Edward.

"Edward!" squealed Stabby, giving him a hug, "It's me! Bella! Your wife! Bella!"

Edward probably should have noticed this deception but he was too busy looking like a foot.

"Oh, Bella, you are even better looking than usual this day!" he effused. "Let us frolic!"

And off to the woods to frolic they went. They frolicked and frolicked, and Stabby soon became bored because unlike Bella she was too awesome to find frolicking like an idiot with clothes on fun for long.

"Edward," said Stabby, staring into his eyes intently, "do you not think this would be more fun if we were naked?"

Edward freaked out. "Naked?" he bleated like a terrified baby sheep, "you mean... _without any clothes on_?"

"Well, yes," said Stabby. Edward stared at her in horror. "We _are _married, Edward. It's perfectly normal for us to be naked together."

"In the privacy of our own home!" yelled Edward, his discomfort at the idea of being naked beginning to make him angry. "Not in the _woods_ where ANYONE could see!"

"There's nobody around, Edward, and if anyone came along we would hear and smell them long before they saw us because we are vampires." Stabby began trying to remove Edward's ugly beige pants.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he bellowed, violently hurling her against a tree then immediately regretting violently hurling her against a tree. "Oh dear! Bella, my love! Are you all right?"

Stabby, deciding Bella and Edward were boring and she didn't need their love anyway, pulled off Bella's face and threw it on the ground.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" bellowed Edward again. "Your face! Bella, your beautiful face came off!"

"I'm not Bella, you moron. I'm Stabby. The rest of Bella is in Mike Newton Junior's locker."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" bellowed Edward a third time because he didn't know what else to do.

"You should probably go put her back together. She's a vampire, she'll be fine."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?" bellowed Edward questioningly.

Stabby sighed.

She took Edward by the hand and led him back to Space Forks High School, where she took the pieces of Bella out of the locker and reassembled her for Edward. Then she left forever to find a less stupid story to hang out in.


	6. Space Cow

Jasper sat in the barn and caressed his favourite space cow. He wasn't sure why it was his favourite, since it looked and acted exactly the same as all of the other space cows in the universe, but Jasper loved this space cow.

Renesmee loved the creamy green milk that came out of their teats. She drank the stuff constantly and whined and cried if they ever ran out, so the Cullens had bought an entire fleet of space cows just for her.

Renesmee was kind of a spoiled brat.

Jasper liked the space cows, though, and greatly enjoyed milking them. They were his only friends. He spent all of his spare time with them, polishing the glabrous areas of their lovely purple bodies and braiding their long orange pubic hair.

The space cow that was his best friend was named Alice, after his wife, even though the vampire Alice hated the space cows and thought they were ugly. Jasper thought now that Vampire Alice did not deserve to have such an awesome creature as Space Cow Alice named after her but it was too late to change the space cow's name now.

As Jasper stroked his space cow and whispered how much he loved her in her ear, his entire family entered the barn to harass him again.

"Come and play spaceball with your family, son," said Carlisle fatherlyly.

"You've been spending too much time with these space cows. I miss your sexings," whined Vampire Alice.

But Jasper ignored them and gently pulled on Space Cow Alice's slimy left nose in the way that would make her emit that creepy buzzing smell everyone but Jasper hated so much. Unfortunately, his family were wearing protective helmets this time, so the creepy buzzing smell accomplished nothing.

"This isn't healthy, Jasper," preached Edward hypocritically. Jasper thought Edward's relationship with Bella was quite possibly the unhealthiest thing ever. "You must stop hanging out with these space cows. They are squeirding up your mind."

Jasper climbed on to Space Cow Alice's big warm back and poked her shiny rear eye to make her run.

She ran straight out of the barn, knocking over Jasper's stupid family, and down the street. Riding a space cow was probably the best thing ever. Space Cow Alice was fast and awesome and bouncy. But she sucked at turning corners so when there was an unexpected pool of acid in the middle of the street she was unable to avoid it and fell straight the fuck in.

"Space Cow Alice! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Jasper and tore out his hair in horror.

As he stood and watched his best friend die the smell of her dissolving body began to remind him of his beautiful wife whom he'd been neglecting so much to take care of the space cows.

"Oh, Vampire Alice, what have I done?" he angsted quietly to himself and turned to walk back to the house only to find that Vampire Alice was right behind him, pulling him into a hug as he turned.

"I love you so much, Jasper, even if you do have a weird relationship with the space cows. Let's have sex in the barn so all of your remaining friends can watch."

"I love you too, Vampire Alice. Let's have sex in the barn and never ever stop, just constant barn sex forever for the rest of the universe's life."

And that's exactly what they did.


End file.
